The Surprising Stress of Sobriety on Families

Sobriety, the very thing that friends, family, and other loved ones have probably been praying and wishing for is stressful on relationships. A healthy sobriety is worth it, but it’s important to know that the transition into sobriety is not a breeze on the individual or the people close to them. This entry has an emphasis on romantic relationships, but many of the points generalized to other relationships.

A person in early substance use disorder recovery is making a lot of changes. Their daily habits, schedule, friends, settings, and even possibly the way they eat and sleep may have changed radically. In addition, the person may be making changes and setting goals in areas of sobriety, career, personal relationships, family, and health. These changes are major, and they impact all areas of life.  

Detailed Descriptions on How Relationships are Impacted in Early Recovery

An existing relationship can be threatened by early recovery in the following ways: 

• Responsibilities – Often partners and family took over a lot of responsibilities when the person was using or drinking. A person in recovery may want to share or take back or take on some home management tasks. While this may seem welcome, it’s not that simple in application. The return of the family member into the rhythm and flow of home management can be challenging to navigate.  

• Hidden expectations – Many times, partners and other family members have looked towards “sobriety” as a solution. And it usually does solve many things. But it is not a panacea. Some families or individual family members are surprised to find that problems continue or intensify in sobriety. Removing the active addiction issue allows other issues to surface.  

• Hidden fears – Family members may have hidden or unspoken fears. These are often fears of catastrophic impact to the partnership or family such as an affair, relapse or fear of the reveal of the unknown such as a gambling debt or undisclosed non-monogamous behavior.

• Past failures – Family members may hold in their minds fear of past “sobriety failures” and those fears predict current sobriety failures. They may have a strong predetermined outcome in their minds that shapes their interactions and availability to be a productive part of the person’s recovery capital. 

• No equilibrium – While family systems inevitably change, they thrive on stability and reliability. Change, and especially significant change (even if it’s positive) can feel threatening and scary. Sobriety often necessitates that families redefine relationships, roles, responsibility, and power. This change threatens the system, even when sobriety is welcome.

• Skill deficits – Many people in substance use recovery and their family members have patterns of interaction that reveal a limited feeling vocabulary, compromised communication, and limited conflict resolution skills.

• No change – It’s possible that a person is clean and sober but has not changed beyond that. Some people in early recovery continue with a lifestyle that includes lies, irresponsibility, immaturity, and self-absorption.

• “Look at me now!” – A person in substance use disorder recovery may want praise and recognition for their sobriety. Family members may feel differently about offering that feedback because they may feel:

1. The person should have been “behaving” appropriately all along and should not get recognition for doing the basic right thing
2. The family members may believe that the person in recovery needs to have their own intrinsic motivation and not rely on others to supply motivation for recovery.

• Wary or jealousy of new patterns and relationships – People in active recovery often develop new friendships and new daily patterns. This can be due to mutual help settings such as 12-Step, SMART, LifeRing or Dharma Recovery. It can also be the person seeking meaning and transformation through volunteering. Or the person can start or return to a hobby that is creative. The person may engage in a class for contemplative movement such as yoga or Tai Chi. Any of these or some combinations are likely to be a significant change from the pattern of the family before recovery. Family members may feel they still don’t have the interaction and presence and may feel they are still not “seen” or “heard.”

For example, I once had a client who was a teen when their parent got sober. That parent’s recovery pathway included AA which meant the parent was out of the home several evenings a week. That teen reported “hating AA” and even sobriety. That parent’s drinking was at home, and recovery took them out of the home. “At least when they were drinking and not in AA, I saw them.” Do you see how that could be problematic not only in the short term but in the long term should this genetically predisposed child need help for their own alcohol use disorder someday?

• Extreme ups and downs – Often people in early recovery experience mood lability; ups and downs. This is due to the body’s continuing change while the person in recovery learns new skills for managing stress, moods, and life with healthy neurobenefical habits. It might be exacerbated by the person in recovery just learning to manage both their substance abuse and a co-occurring mental health disorder. This takes time, and it’s common to have extreme moods well into the early months of sobriety. Family members may feel disappointed or even angry that there isn’t more positivity or stability on this side of a sobriety date. 

• Problems – It’s not uncommon for persons in substance use recovery to be facing life consequences. Even those persons who have been high functioning experience legal, financial, friends, family, and career disruptions. In recovery, these challenges need to be responded to. They can be incredibly difficult and stressful. They can consume individual and family resources of time, energy, and patience.  
   

Don’t Be Discouraged About Early Sobriety, But Be Informed

 

I don’t want to discourage you; but I also want you to know that sobriety causes stress and it’s better for you to be aware and prepared.

Solutions start with information, seeking specialized support, and impacted family members getting their own professional and peer support.

I create content like this weekly on my blog, TikTok, and Instagram. I’d love for you to follow me at any of those places. 

For more information, content, support, and tools on how to manage executive stress and enjoy life without drugs, alcohol, or over-relying on unhealthy coping, I have created a FREE workbook for you! 

**Person-centered language note: As a leading clinician in substance use disorder assessment, treatment, and recovery, I am committed to elevating the language around mental health and substance use disorder. This means I will use “alcohol use disorder” rather than “alcoholic.” It means I will use “person with a substance use disorder” rather than “addict.” I minimize my use of the term addiction because it carries stigma, often people have their own relationship with the word accompanied with misinformation. I use the term recurrence or return to use rather than relapse. However, it’s important that people searching for help get connected with services that benefit them. In this regard, people are not searching “am I a person with a substance use disorder?” They are searching “am I an addict?” They do not search, “can a high functioning person have an alcohol use disorder?” They search “am I a high functioning alcoholic.” They don’t search “treatment for people who have a recurrence” but do search “how do I stop being a chronic relapser?” As such, I want to affirm people with substance use disorders with my care, which includes language but I also need to structure my business in a way that google searches find my material.