The Science of Resentment and Forgiveness: Take Back Your Power

This week I am going woo. Don’t swipe away; there is science behind a lot of woo. 

This week I am talking about resentment and forgiveness. There is peer reviewed, valid research that shows the negative health impact of resentment and the positive health impact of forgiveness.

There are ideas that transcend one religion and are found in all religions, and the idea of Forgiveness is one of those ideas. In the 90’s, there were 58 studies on Forgiveness and by 2005, there were 950.

I’ve been published in MindSplain on forgiveness. I’ll link it. I’ve been published in related content on anger. I have written about forgiveness before.

Important Asides About Resentment and Forgiveness

Let me say upfront that I am not talking about forgiveness as a spiritual by-pass. Spiritual by-pass is a well intentioned but misguided effort by the to integrate spirituality into healing.This can include utilizing and employing spiritual tools in ways that are invalidating or premature rather than working holistically on the issues. A person can’t forgive without processing, for example. A person needs to engage with their personal data in ways that incorporate mind, body, spirit and emotion. I support care and caution against hasty, superficial, or quick fix forgiveness.

Please also know that for this and any of my content when I use the term “spirituality” it is used from the most broad and inclusive umbrella possible. It can be embraced by individuals as specific as Christianity or secular such as connecting with nature or enjoying creativity or music.

What is Resentment From a Science Standpoint?

See, here’s the thing. When you break down the word “resentment”, you get:

Re = as Dictionary.com puts it: a prefix, occurring originally from Latin, used with the meaning “again” or “again and again” to indicate repetition, or with the meaning “back” or “backward” to indicate withdrawal or backward motion

Sent = latin root for “feel”. Think about words such as sentiment, senses, and sensitivity

When you resent, you “re-feel.” That is significant because your brain responds to the thought thread with the appropriate neural activity and chemicals. Your brain says, “Oh! So-and-so hurt me. Let’s marshal up some stress chemicals, anger chemicals, and depression chemicals in response.” And your brain continues hard-wiring areas associated with that “thing” (person, place, thing, event). This hard wiring grows each time you re-feel. However, your brain doesn’t experience each “re-feel” as a memory; your brain and body experience it as if it were happening for the first time. Your brain literally responds in current time because that is what your “re-feeling” demands it to do.

At that point, It’s not the original offense or offender; we do it to ourselves. More accurately, our stuck and traumatized brain does it to us.

There is secondary gain to this.

The Honest Reasons People Sometimes Don’t Forgive

What benefits do we get? Continuing to live in resentment:

• Fosters the illusion of power and control 
• Creates energy and momentum  to get things done
• Allows for conflict avoidance 
• Allows avoidance of communication
• Offers protection from vulnerability; creates a safety net
• The resenter can feel “right” 
• It can make others feel guilty (another power move) 
• Anger/resentment is a way to avoid other feelings – the feelings UNDER the anger such as disappointment, fear, sadness
• It can actually keep a relationship going in real life or in the person’s mind instead of ending the relationship which may be scary
• It can allow the person to avoid looking at themselves and their actions
• It allows the person to stay in a victim role which may have pay-offs

Wisdom on Resentment and Forgiveness

The concepts of forgiveness and resentment are present in a lot of ancient and current wisdom literature and leaders.

“Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.” ~ Pg. 64 of the AA Big Book

From the Christian Bible consider Cain/Abel, Joseph and his brothers, Leah/Rachel, The Prodigal Son, Job’s Wife

“Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten.” ~ Buddha

“Do we really want to be rid of our resentments, our anger, our fear? Many of us cling to our fears, doubts, self-loathing or hatred because there is a certain distorted security in familiar pain. It seems safer to embrace what we know than to let go of it for fear of the unknown. ~ Narcotics Anonymous Book, page 33

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. ~ Mark Twain

Forgiveness is the final form of love. ~– Reinhold Niebuhr (who, incidentally is credited with the Serenity Prayer)

Knowledge is learning something every day. Wisdom is letting go of something every day. ~ – Zen Proverb

And my personal favorite is:

“You can’t forgive without loving. And I don’t mean sentimentality. I don’t mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive. I’m finished with it’.” ~ Maya Angelou

So, What Should You Do To Heal the Negative Health Effects of Resentment and Lack of Forgiveness?

The solution is forgiveness. Not (necessarily) because “they” deserve it, but because you do. You deserve the neuro-cognitive health available when you forgive. Lack of forgiveness and the habit of resentment are associated with (and this list is just a start):

• Increased depression
• Suppressed Immune function
• Heart disease
• Increased stress hormones
• Increased symptoms of depression
• recurrence/return to use 
• Disrupted sleep
• Diabetes
• Anxiety

I have a theory that spiritual disciplines such as forgiveness, volunteering/service, prayer, meditation, study, and even fasting, show up in nearly all religions because they are physiologically beneficial. Hopefully I’ve convinced you, and now you are wondering how do you go from the habit of resentment to breaking the pattern? You’ve already started by looking at the damage accurately. We don’t typically have immediate and easy power over the “first thought” that comes into our brain. But we DO have power and choice about what thoughts we feed, water, and grow.

A Helpful Tool to Manage Resentment and Forgiveness

The next step is to choose 2-3 thought content options that you are going to grow instead. Whenever an offending thought comes, select one of the carefully selected alternatives and feed THAT thought. Good thought options are:

• powerful happy memories
• scripture
• inspirational thoughts
• Poetry
• Lyrics
• music
• a nature scene
• a piece of inspirational art
• a moment of accomplishment

Thoughts that have more than one sensory input are stronger and more powerful.

Benefits of Letting Go of Resentment and Initiating Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a challenging topic in therapy – and in life – but research on mental health and forgiveness and substance abuse specifically suggests that it needs to be included as a tool correlated with positive outcomes. It is an excellent multidimensional tool; it assists with treating co-occurring issues, deepens spirituality, has social connectedness benefits, and can progress personal transformation.  

Here are some benefits:

• Reduced substance misuse
• Promotes wellbeing
• Decreased inflammation
• Healthier relationships
• Improved mental health
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• Lower blood pressure
• A stronger immune system
• Improved heart health
• Improved self-esteem

It is important to review what forgiveness is, but also what it isn’t. 

Below find some helpful statements about the nature of forgiveness. 

• Not feeling positive, warm towards the offender, place, or concept 
• Not being weak or a doormat  
• Not condoning or excusing  
• Not reconciliation  
• Forgiveness and justice are not mutually exclusive  
• Not pardon, legal mercy, or leniency 
• Not justification (you can forgive, but don’t have to believe their action was fair) 
• Not forgetting (forgetting would leave you vulnerable to the offense again) 
• Not balancing scales (getting back at someone is not the same as forgiving) 
• Not letting time heal the wound (forgiving is active rather than passive) 
• Not simply abandoning resentment (we might let go of resentment but still not forgive)
• Not possessing positive feelings (we might feel positive towards an individual, but still not forgiven them) 
• Not simply saying “I forgive you” (you can forgive without using specific words) 
• Not making a decision to forgive (it can involve a decision, but forgiveness is a process which takes time) 
• Not a quick fix (forgiveness takes time, and progress may fluctuate) 
• Not accepting what happened (we could accept the facts of an event but not forgive, accepting may be a part of forgiveness but not all acceptance is forgiveness) 
• Not moving on (we may decide to move on without looking back, and without forgiving) 
• Not accepting what happened knowing that God will punish them (this approach focuses more on justice than forgiveness)
• Not saying “I have the satisfaction of not letting the person get to me”  
• Not “letting the other person know how much they owe me” (this is a form of revenge and is using the misdeed/transgression as a justification.)

Forgiveness IS processing feelings, it does not invalidate them, a process that can take time, and is the development of meaning.

 To specifically address forgiveness, develop a ritual for it. You can work with a guide, mentor, or therapist on finding one that works for you. Watch for later this week when I post my personal experience with forgiveness.

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